Breastfeeding in the face of ignorance

I breastfeed Little A. It's something I'm quite proud of. We've made it 17 months. This is pretty amazing considering most women who attempt to breastfeed in the US give up at six weeks. When I first started breastfeeding, I did the whole blanket or cover thing. I was still getting used to what I was doing and I was embarrassed to show my stomach. A blanket or a cover helps nicely with that. After a while, I became more comfortable and stopped using a cover or blanket all together. That may have had something to do with forgetting to pack one and having a hungry baby. I was not going to sit in the car by myself. 

Last Thanksgiving, we celebrated at one of BF's cousins' apartment. She was newly out of rehab and wanted to show off how well she was doing with holding down a job and getting her own place. Little A wasn't the only baby there, but she was the only breastfed baby. I don't have nursing clothes. I don't have the money for them. I wore a shirt that made it easy to breastfeed Little A. Apparently, though I didn't find out about this until the end of December, this bothered some people. There were boys, you know, and they might ask questions. Other people were uncomfortable.

We celebrated Christmas at BF's parents' house and I breastfed Little A there with no problem. I feed on demand, so, when she wanted to breastfeed, I let her. I don't remember what I wore there. I didn't think it was that big a deal. 

For New Years', we celebrated at the house of a different cousin. My BF has a lot of cousins. Little A was about six months old at this point. I was asked by the owner of the house if I still breastfed. I was very proud of making it to six months and I said that we did. He then informed me that if I hadn't brought a blanket with me, I would be given one, or I would need to go into another room by myself. At first, I thought he was messing around and I made a joke about him eating with a blanket on his head. He then proceeded to tell me that there were young boys (between 10 and 12) and that they didn't need to see what I was doing. He said it also made the adults uncomfortable to see my boobs. This from the same man who had sent out a text on Thanksgiving of a chick dressed like an Indian with boobs out for all to see! I was pissed, but we stayed. 

BF's family all live an hour or more from where we do. By the end of the night, I was ready to leave and never go back, but we wouldn't have made it home in time to see the ball drop, so we stayed. At first, I went down stairs to feed Little A because no one was down there. Then everyone wanted to watch a movie and she was not happy with having a blanket over her head. I found a bedroom I could use, but I was PISSED! BF knew it and kept apologizing. He even offered, several times, to just drive home. I wanted Big A to be able to watch the ball drop and drink grape juice with the rest of the kids. 

This year, we skipped the holiday celebrations that were held at that house. When I was asked by the wife of the house when they would get to see the girls again, I told her what had happened at New Years'. She then proceeded to tell me that I was making a big deal out of breastfeeding, that I wasn't the first person to ever breastfeed, and that I needed to cover up at family functions because other people were uncomfortable. I was told that I should pump and bring bottles and that keeping my girls from seeing their family wasn't fair to anyone. This was my response, sent via Facebook message.

I'm sorry this has turned into some ridiculous issue. I sent you a message rather than posting a public reply to avoid making a "big deal" out of this. I'm sorry you feel I wasn't being discreet at Thanksgiving and that I was just letting my breasts hang out. I'm sorry you (and from the sound of your message, several other family members) have an over-sexualized concept of breasts. I'm sorry there are several family members who aren't as open-minded about breastfeeding as my family is.
I realize I am not the first person to ever breastfeed and your snarky comment [ You are not the first person to ever breastfeed (Really)] does nothing to help this situation. There are ways to answer questions from curious children, girls AND boys. If breastfeeding is treated like something DIRTY and SHAMEFUL that must be hidden in a back room or covered up, our society will continue to treat women who choose to breastfeed as second class citizens. Children learn by watching adults. Big A was curious when Little A first came home because she didn't remember seeing breastfeeding when she lived in Oregon. Now seeing Little A breastfeed is as natural to Big A as seeing anyone else eat.
I DO want Little A to know her extended family. I enjoy family gatherings and I look forward to them. When it comes to breastfeeding, I AM using my best judgement. I will NOT put myself OR my children in an uncomfortable and stressful situation in order to make everyone ELSE happy.  (Names were edited out)

About a month before Thanksgiving, I asked on Facebook if anyone knew where Thanksgiving was being held. I tagged BF and his mom in the post so everyone could see it. All I got back was that no one knew where it was and that was it. I waited a few weeks and then BF and I decided to have Thanksgiving at our house.

Early last week, I posted a link to an article about breastfeeding during the holidays and ways to survive less than enthusiastic relatives. I posted it because I can relate. Here is a link to the article.  http://thismilkmatters.moonfruit.com/blog/4570873898  I also posted a comment with the link that said something along the lines of reactions like the ones mentioned in the article are why we stay home for most family gatherings. 


MY PAGE BLEW UP! There are currently FORTY ONE comments under that post! I was told how great breastfeeding is, but that it needs to be done in private or with a cover. Breastfeeding was compared having sex in the living room in front of everyone. It was compared to porn. I was told I can't just "whip it out" in the main room where everyone else is. (I typically wear a tank top under a t-shirt. Up goes the t-shirt, down goes the tank top. There is no "whipping it out".) I was told I should announce to the room at large what I was planning to do so that people who are uncomfortable can leave. I made the comment about America being ass backward with regard to breastfeeding compared to other countries and was told I could leave if I didn't like America. I was told I don't respect family. When I asked if my baby and I deserved respect, there was, of course, no answer. A friend of mine jumped on to defend me and the posts went from barely civil to downright rude. The comment that hurt the most, though, came from BF's mom. I've breastfed at BF's parents' house on several occasions. I've never felt like I had to cover up or go into a different room. BF's dad seemed a little uncomfortable, but he either looked away or moved so that I wasn't in his direct line of sight. So, here I am assuming (ASS YOU ME!!) everything is fine. Apparently not. BF' s mom jumped on the "Breastfeeding is Disgusting" bandwagon with this lovely gem of a comment. 
 
That's sad because of you and your boobs the family can't see the kids. I don't think they are asking you to much to cover up when you are breast feeding. Not everyone wants to see your boob.That's my opinion. I would like to see my grand kids more at gatherings but I do not want to see your boobs sorry.

Her comment hurt the most, because I thought she supported me. Or at least respected my choices about breastfeeding. I showed the comment to BF and he called her out on it via text message. She didn't apologize. She said that she never mentioned anything about it to me because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to see the girls. 

After her comment, I removed all but three of BF's family members from my Facebook. My profile is set to private, so they no longer have access to posts or photos. I posted my only public post after I removed everyone, to let them know what I thought about their breastfeeding attitudes. I even left it open to comments in case they felt they had something to add. I woke up to this in my Facebook messages. 

So u did take it personal Ur a liar!!! And now have a new enemy!! 

This was sent by the person who compared breastfeeding to porn and to having sex in the living room. No, this person is not 12. This person is pretty close to my age. A grown ass DUDE! When I showed the message to BF, just to show him how ridiculous the whole situation had become, he took my phone and told the guy off. He sent back a message telling him to grow up and stop treating me like crap. When the cousin tried to say he'd been civil, BF told him to knock it off because he'd read all the comments on the post. By the way, that dude is now blocked. 

So, all of this drama over a link to a post that I'm pretty sure no one even bothered to read. I have a very supportive BF that I am so grateful for. He's all for not attending family gatherings if his family is going to behave this way. That was not something I asked him to do. I told him I was totally fine with him taking Big A and going to any gathering he wanted. He said if they were going to act this way, they don't need to see any of us. I love him so much! 

BF and I do plan to move back to Portland sometime in the next few years. The sad part to all of this is that most of his family won't see the girls before we do. Once we are in Portland, they won't see the girls at all because we won't have the money to fly back here and they won't bother to fly out there. 

A new show for TLC

A friend of mine asked for a link to the survey site I've been taking surveys through. I sent her the link and she signed up yesterday. I spend about four or five hours a day, in intervals, taking surveys and I earned $15.00 last week. It doesn't sound like much, but I was able to buy two things I wouldn't have been able to otherwise because we have a very limited income. 

My friend and I were joking about how addicting it can become to take surveys and watch your money grow. I said TLC should totally interview us for a new show about SAHMs who take surveys. So, just putting this out there, TLC, if you're interested. My friend and I would be willing to give interviews and help you come up with a show.  :p

What I've been up to

http://quickrewards.net/?r=tasha0381

A friend of mine asked if I would be interested in taking surveys online. She sent me a link and I signed up last week. In one week, I've made over $15.00 just by taking surveys and watching videos. That may not sound like much, but I'm hoping to be able to buy holiday gifts this year with my survey earnings. I've already used some of my earnings to buy a book that I wanted from Amazon.com and BF used some to order some type of cable that will let us watch stuff from the computer on our tv in the bedroom. No more squinting at movie text.  :D

Thank you

Hai George!!

Hosting my first Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving is usually held at the house of one of BF's relatives. A couple of weeks ago, I posted a question on facebook asking where Thanksgiving would be this year and got a response that no one knows yet. I've patiently waited to see if there would be any type of announcement as to who is hosting. I'm sure someone has volunteered at this point because planning needs to be done and help needs to be asked for, but I still haven't seen anything. This being the case, BF suggested we have our own Thanksgiving and invite his neighbor friends to our house. 

I'm thrilled at the prospect! I've never hosted my own Thanksgiving. We live too far away for BF's family to consider making the trip up to see us. We live in St. Cloud and most of them are in the cities. On Monday, we sat down with the neighbors and discussed meal plans. BF and I will take care of apps, the main dishes, and the drinks and they will provide desserts. BF gets a free turkey from work which is extremely helpful! My list seems like it's a mile long, but a lot of what's on there can be bought in pieces. Now I just have to re-organize my list into food categories so I don't forget anything! I also have to figure out what can be made ahead of time and stored and what absolutely needs to be made the day of, aside from the turkey, of course.  :p

I've been Flying (www.flylady.net) since I became a SAHM in April of this year and it's really helping me with not freaking out about the state of my home. My home isn't in a "state". Sure, I've slacked a little for about a week now because I haven't felt well, but my home is still pretty clean. I know I have a few weeks before Thanksgiving and I'm confident my routines will see me through it without any stress or last minute crisis cleaning. 

Thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday (Halloween tops the list) and I'm excited to start our own family traditions. Big A is 8 and Little A is 16.5 months. I want them to have great holiday memories. I have very fond memories of Thanksgiving with my Dad. I think it would be awesome if, once our kids are grown, they still want to come back home for Thanksgiving. I'm really hopeful that this year will be the start of our own Thanksgiving traditions.

BF and I have absolutely NO IDEA how to cook a turkey. Neither of us have ever done it. I have a FlyBuddy who has offered to help me with tips and advice so our turkey doesn't come out dry or burnt or raw. I do know it needs to thaw for several days before Thanksgiving and I'm hoping BF's work gives him the turkey coupon early enough to do that. I'd like to thaw it in the fridge, but I'll do it in the sink if necessary.

Little A just toddled up to me for her boobies! Time to go.  :)

Sixteen Months

I have so much going on right now I'm not even sure where to start. Just thinking about trying to get some of this out of my head gives me a headache! BF and I have been arguing a lot recently. Our new family therapist seems really awesome. The holidays are fast approaching and we have $2.00 in our checking account. Little A is 16 months old today. Big A is becoming more and more defiant and oppositional. I've been feeling really down the last couple of weeks and I was actually sick on Friday. I told BF I was "calling in" and spent most of the day passed out on the couch. 

I received an email from Big A's teacher saying her focus is getting better in class. This is great news! It means her meds are getting into her system in time for school and she can focus during the school day. Big A has also had several Good Behavior awards sent home. I really try to make a big deal out of these and I tape them to her bedroom wall. She has a regular Wall of Fame going on in there.  :)  

Our new family therapist (we had to fire the previous therapist because she was clueless about our family after working with us for several months) seems to really understand our family and the issues we are having. We've seen him about three times now, I think. Maybe four times. He's always on time, which is a huge plus because our last therapist was habitually late. (Tardiness is a pet peeve of mine.) He takes time during each session to speak with Big A privately and was able to figure out an issue that our last therapist couldn't, even after working with us for so long. 

Big A told him she is afraid to get close to me because she thinks I'm going to leave like her Bio-Mom did. I explained to our therapist that there was a time, shortly after Little A was born, when BF and I were having a LOT of issues and I told him I was thinking about leaving because I felt like I wasn't wanted. This was an argument we had several times during my maternity leave and shortly after I went back to work. We eventually talked and sorted everything out, but there are still times I feel like I'm being left out and feel like I'm not wanted here. There are times I feel like BF and Big A are a team and I'm the kid no one wants to play dodge ball with. After the therapist mentioned what Big A had said, I started thinking back and I realized her behavior became worse after Little A came home, which I expected, but it got really bad when BF and I were arguing about me leaving. The therapist asked if I still felt that way and I said I didn't, so he asked me to tell Big A that I wasn't going to leave. I looked right at her and told her that even though her Daddy and I fight, it doesn't mean that we won't stay together. I tried to explain, as simply as possible so she could understand, that all couples fight, but that didn't mean that I would leave like her other Mom did. 

I had hoped that this revelation and subsequent discussion would ease some of the tension in the house. I guess I hoped for too much. Since our session last week, Big A has been even more defiant and oppositional. I understand that some of this is "normal" because I'm the parent she spends the most time with, that some of this is related to the ADD, and that some of this is just "typical" 8 year old behavior. I don't have another older child to compare her behavior to, so I watch how she interacts with BF. She doesn't mouth off, or argue, or backtalk, or outright ignore him. That means there is still some underlying issue that she has with me. I don't know what the problem is and I can't make changes until I do. In the mean time, I'm stuck with a child who lies to me, argues and back talks me, rolls her eyes at me when I ask her to do simple things around the house, and out right ignores things I tell her to do because she doesn't feel like doing them. 

As far as chores go, she's got it pretty easy. Aside from her basic morning and evening routines (teeth and hair brushing, showering, getting dressed, picking out clothes for the next day, putting away toys and books in her room), she empties the dishwasher and cleans out the cat boxes. I change the litter about once every two weeks by totally emptying the boxes and putting new litter in. I don't ask or expect her to help with this part. She's only responsible for daily poop scooping. We have two cats and two cat boxes. One cat is really picky and will pee on my bathroom floor if the cat boxes go too long without being scooped. I take care of the rabbit cage and the two bird cages. I don't feel that being on poop scoop duty (haha, duty) is all that taxing. No, it's not the most fun chore in the world and I know that. I cleaned out cat boxes when I was a kid. Considering that the cat boxes are one of two chores Big A has, I think she's got it pretty easy. 

I've been told some of her behavior is because of the ADD. While I do feel that is true, I watch how she interacts and behaves with BF and how she behaves and interacts with me. When BF is around, Big A is more respectful to me, but she still mouths off, lies, back talks, and ignores me as she feels the need to. It's very frustrating and upsetting to feel like I'm the only parent she does this to. I know there are occasional small lies to BF and some occasional smart remarks, but it's nothing compared to what I deal with on a daily basis. I'm dreading next week because she's off early on Wednesday, and out of school for all of Thursday and Friday. How sad is that? I should be happy that she's home, right? Instead, I want to stay in bed until the next Monday so I don't have to put up with her pissy behavior. 

On top of all that, when Big A's behavior gets bad, BF and I fight more often. There have been times that Big A has intentionally said or done something to start a fight between BF and me (she admitted to it after BF and I fought). She's a crafty girl. I feel like it's the same argument all the time. When BF was first awarded custody of Big A, he had this whole "I'm the Dad and my word is final" mentality. He undermined me a LOT. It hurt my relationship with Big A. Now, five years later, I'm still dealing with the fallout. As sad as this sounds, Big A is the main thing BF and I fight about. They aren't nice fights, either. There is a lot of sarcasm and eye rolling on his side, a lot of yelling on my side, and the inevitable walking away he does because he "can't talk to" me. Which means the problem is out there in limbo to be revisited when I've reached my bullshit limit and explode again. It's a vicious cycle that I'm sick of being in. I don't see any way to stop the arguments except to have him step up with Big A and tell her, as many times as necessary, that her behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Little A is seeing all of this and will eventually have consequences for her behavior. I don't agree with having two sets of rules, but I fear that's what will happen. How do I explain to a toddler why her older sister gets special treatment and why the expectations for behavior are different?

Little A is 16 months old today. I can't believe how quickly she's approaching her 2nd birthday. I was not ready for her to turn one and now she's not that far from two! I've taken breastfeeding photos of Little A from the time we came home from the hospital. I plan to put together a breastfeeding photo book at some point. I took one today and, for the first time, posted it on Facebook. I've been really careful not to post any breastfeeding photos on Facebook because of all the controversy and also because BF's family is weird about it. Last New Year's Eve, I was asked if I was "still breastfeeding" (Little A was 6.5 months at this point) and was told that if I hadn't brought a blanket to cover up with, I would be given one as I offended and disgusted family members at Thanksgiving by feeding Little A without a cover. At first I tried to handle the situation by joking and telling this person that they could eat under a blanket or in the bathroom if they wanted. Then I realized they were serious and got more and more pissed as the night went on. BF was totally understanding and supportive. Now, as a solution, we do not go to gatherings or events at that particular house. Their loss, not ours. 

Back to today. I finally decided that I'm not going to let them decide what I post on Facebook. My page is private and so are my albums, so only people I have friended can see my posts and photos. If they choose to let something beautiful offend them, they can kindly unfriend me and go fuck themselves. I moved out to BFE Minnesota to avoid drama. I don't plan to go nuts with the breastfeeding photos and post every single one I have. I took them for me. I don't even know if Little A will be interested in the photo book I plan to put together later. I won't be upset if she's not. She's probably the only baby I will get to have and I want to document our breastfeeding experience. I am super proud of both of us for making it 16 months. We had a lot of set backs and opposition to overcome the first few months, from her Dr of all people! I don't plan to stop until she wants to. BF was a little leery of me breastfeeding once Little A got teeth, but his general response to her being cranky now is to "give her a boob!" I find it hilarious!

I think that's about all I'm going to be able to write for now. Little A woke up from her nap a little while ago and doesn't really like breastfeeding on my lap while I type.

Milestones

Little A is reaching lots of milestones. It's so fun to watch and a little sad, too. Big A is receiving good behavior awards at school. She has her first 3rd grade Spelling test tomorrow. I'm making progress on keeping the apartment clean and making it more of a home. I suppose we're all reaching milestones. 

 Little A is walking like a pro. She's climbing onto everything she can. I'm SO glad we moved the bookcase from our room to the extra room. That room is blocked off with a baby gate. We have a TON of books. Now I don't have to worry about the bookcases falling on her. She's also starting to baby...toddler...run. It's so amusing to watch. Little A loves to play "Zoom!" She puts her arms straight out behind her, palms up, looks at me with her little mischievous face, and waits for me to do the same while I chase her around the house. 

Big A has brought home several Good Behavior awards. I've also received an email from her teacher letting me know Big A is doing well, behavior-wise, but does tend to get distracted pretty easily. I'm not sure what other suggestions I can give to the teacher. BF and I will need to sit down to see what we can come up with. We discussed Big A's ADD at the open house and gave her teacher some tricks that work for us sometimes, but it really is hit and miss with Big A. Something that worked yesterday and all of last week won't work tomorrow. It gets really frustrating at times, especially for me because BF isn't around much due to the hours he works. Some days are better than others. I still have days when I freak out and yell, but I'm working on it. 

I've been using the www.Flylady.net system since I became a SAHM in April of this year. There are times I fall off the wagon and don't do my routines or clean anything at all for a week. When Little A was teething a few weeks ago, I really got nothing at all accomplished. One of the many great things with this system is that you're never behind. You just jump in with the next Zone and go from there. My apartment was a mess, the floors needed vacuuming and sweeping, the sink was full of dishes, the dishwasher had clean stuff in it, and the laundry was piled up. Pre-Flylady, I would have freaked the fuck out, stressed about how much there was to do, yelled, and accomplished nothing. When Little A was feeling better, I was able to tackle the big items in 10 to 15 minute spurts. I got the bathroom cleaned, the dishes put away, the stuff in the sink washed, the living room picked up and vacuumed, and I didn't spend an entire day doing it. I spread it out over a few days. 

I've slowly been framing our photos and adding them to the living room walls. We move around a lot and I never saw the point in framing and putting up photos, but I finally got tired of staring at white walls. We have some photos up and I plan to add more as I get frames for them. I've found some really great deals at Savers and garage sales on frames. I have a really nice frame I picked up at Walmart that has several openings of different sizes. I've filled quite a few of the spots, but I need to look through all the photos on my computer to finish out the collage frame. I have Big A's artwork up on the wall. I have Little A's hospital photos. I have photos of my family and of BF's other children. It's really starting to look better in here. It's starting to look like a home instead of a place we'll be staying for a bit. That makes me happy.

General Craziness!

The last couple of weeks have been nuts! Little A was, and might still be, teething, I've been exhausted, Big A is being super defiant with me, her lying is getting worse, and we may not have enough to pay rent. I'm a little stressed! 

While Little A was teething, I didn't brush her teeth. I know that's probably not the best decision, but she was in so much pain. I didn't want to add to it. Last week, after the worst of the teething crankiness was over, I tried to brush her teeth with the toothbrush we've used for a while now and ended up with Vampire Baby! I don't know which one of us was more traumatized! She had dark red blood running all down her chin. I freaked out and BF had to take the baby. We're using a washcloth for now, but I'm hoping we'll be back to the toothbrush in a couple weeks. 

 I'm at a loss with Big A. She isn't pulling the "You aren't my Mom" bullshit anymore, but her attitude with me is worse. BF grounded her for her behavior for a week and it has turned into two weeks because of Big A's attitude. I just.don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of the lying, I'm sick of the "Fuck You" attitude she gives me when BF is sleeping or at work, I'm sick of her deliberately ignoring me and doing what she wants instead of what I ask or tell her to do. BF and I have tried everything we can think of and nothing seems to really have an effect. Maybe our new family therapist can make some headway. That reminds me -- we have therapy homework. /sigh More stuff for me to read and then try to go over with BF before Tuesday. 

BF gets paid Friday, but it won't be enough to cover rent. We have about $45 left from his last check. I guess I'll have to call the office and tell them we'll pay rent in payments. It means paying a late fee again and we haven't paid the late fee from last month yet. BF gets a bonus check this month and that will help tremendously. I'm really thankful he gets a bonus check every few months. They help us play catch up. They are based on department production and this quarter they have done really well. That means (hopefully) a couple hundred for the bonus check. 

Okay, my diapers are out of the dryer. That means it's time to do my FlyLady stuff and then maybe watch some Grey's Anatomy on Netflix or read our therapy homework. :)