I have so much going on right now I'm not even sure where to start. Just thinking about trying to get some of this out of my head gives me a headache! BF and I have been arguing a lot recently. Our new family therapist seems really awesome. The holidays are fast approaching and we have $2.00 in our checking account. Little A is 16 months old today. Big A is becoming more and more defiant and oppositional. I've been feeling really down the last couple of weeks and I was actually sick on Friday. I told BF I was "calling in" and spent most of the day passed out on the couch.
I received an email from Big A's teacher saying her focus is getting better in class. This is great news! It means her meds are getting into her system in time for school and she can focus during the school day. Big A has also had several Good Behavior awards sent home. I really try to make a big deal out of these and I tape them to her bedroom wall. She has a regular Wall of Fame going on in there. :)
Our new family therapist (we had to fire the previous therapist because she was clueless about our family after working with us for several months) seems to really understand our family and the issues we are having. We've seen him about three times now, I think. Maybe four times. He's always on time, which is a huge plus because our last therapist was habitually late. (Tardiness is a pet peeve of mine.) He takes time during each session to speak with Big A privately and was able to figure out an issue that our last therapist couldn't, even after working with us for so long.
Big A told him she is afraid to get close to me because she thinks I'm going to leave like her Bio-Mom did. I explained to our therapist that there was a time, shortly after Little A was born, when BF and I were having a LOT of issues and I told him I was thinking about leaving because I felt like I wasn't wanted. This was an argument we had several times during my maternity leave and shortly after I went back to work. We eventually talked and sorted everything out, but there are still times I feel like I'm being left out and feel like I'm not wanted here. There are times I feel like BF and Big A are a team and I'm the kid no one wants to play dodge ball with. After the therapist mentioned what Big A had said, I started thinking back and I realized her behavior became worse after Little A came home, which I expected, but it got really bad when BF and I were arguing about me leaving. The therapist asked if I still felt that way and I said I didn't, so he asked me to tell Big A that I wasn't going to leave. I looked right at her and told her that even though her Daddy and I fight, it doesn't mean that we won't stay together. I tried to explain, as simply as possible so she could understand, that all couples fight, but that didn't mean that I would leave like her other Mom did.
I had hoped that this revelation and subsequent discussion would ease some of the tension in the house. I guess I hoped for too much. Since our session last week, Big A has been even more defiant and oppositional. I understand that some of this is "normal" because I'm the parent she spends the most time with, that some of this is related to the ADD, and that some of this is just "typical" 8 year old behavior. I don't have another older child to compare her behavior to, so I watch how she interacts with BF. She doesn't mouth off, or argue, or backtalk, or outright ignore him. That means there is still some underlying issue that she has with me. I don't know what the problem is and I can't make changes until I do. In the mean time, I'm stuck with a child who lies to me, argues and back talks me, rolls her eyes at me when I ask her to do simple things around the house, and out right ignores things I tell her to do because she doesn't feel like doing them.
As far as chores go, she's got it pretty easy. Aside from her basic morning and evening routines (teeth and hair brushing, showering, getting dressed, picking out clothes for the next day, putting away toys and books in her room), she empties the dishwasher and cleans out the cat boxes. I change the litter about once every two weeks by totally emptying the boxes and putting new litter in. I don't ask or expect her to help with this part. She's only responsible for daily poop scooping. We have two cats and two cat boxes. One cat is really picky and will pee on my bathroom floor if the cat boxes go too long without being scooped. I take care of the rabbit cage and the two bird cages. I don't feel that being on poop scoop duty (haha, duty) is all that taxing. No, it's not the most fun chore in the world and I know that. I cleaned out cat boxes when I was a kid. Considering that the cat boxes are one of two chores Big A has, I think she's got it pretty easy.
I've been told some of her behavior is because of the ADD. While I do feel that is true, I watch how she interacts and behaves with BF and how she behaves and interacts with me. When BF is around, Big A is more respectful to me, but she still mouths off, lies, back talks, and ignores me as she feels the need to. It's very frustrating and upsetting to feel like I'm the only parent she does this to. I know there are occasional small lies to BF and some occasional smart remarks, but it's nothing compared to what I deal with on a daily basis. I'm dreading next week because she's off early on Wednesday, and out of school for all of Thursday and Friday. How sad is that? I should be happy that she's home, right? Instead, I want to stay in bed until the next Monday so I don't have to put up with her pissy behavior.
On top of all that, when Big A's behavior gets bad, BF and I fight more often. There have been times that Big A has intentionally said or done something to start a fight between BF and me (she admitted to it after BF and I fought). She's a crafty girl. I feel like it's the same argument all the time. When BF was first awarded custody of Big A, he had this whole "I'm the Dad and my word is final" mentality. He undermined me a LOT. It hurt my relationship with Big A. Now, five years later, I'm still dealing with the fallout. As sad as this sounds, Big A is the main thing BF and I fight about. They aren't nice fights, either. There is a lot of sarcasm and eye rolling on his side, a lot of yelling on my side, and the inevitable walking away he does because he "can't talk to" me. Which means the problem is out there in limbo to be revisited when I've reached my bullshit limit and explode again. It's a vicious cycle that I'm sick of being in. I don't see any way to stop the arguments except to have him step up with Big A and tell her, as many times as necessary, that her behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Little A is seeing all of this and will eventually have consequences for her behavior. I don't agree with having two sets of rules, but I fear that's what will happen. How do I explain to a toddler why her older sister gets special treatment and why the expectations for behavior are different?
Little A is 16 months old today. I can't believe how quickly she's approaching her 2nd birthday. I was not ready for her to turn one and now she's not that far from two! I've taken breastfeeding photos of Little A from the time we came home from the hospital. I plan to put together a breastfeeding photo book at some point. I took one today and, for the first time, posted it on Facebook. I've been really careful not to post any breastfeeding photos on Facebook because of all the controversy and also because BF's family is weird about it. Last New Year's Eve, I was asked if I was "still breastfeeding" (Little A was 6.5 months at this point) and was told that if I hadn't brought a blanket to cover up with, I would be given one as I offended and disgusted family members at Thanksgiving by feeding Little A without a cover. At first I tried to handle the situation by joking and telling this person that they could eat under a blanket or in the bathroom if they wanted. Then I realized they were serious and got more and more pissed as the night went on. BF was totally understanding and supportive. Now, as a solution, we do not go to gatherings or events at that particular house. Their loss, not ours.
Back to today. I finally decided that I'm not going to let them decide what I post on Facebook. My page is private and so are my albums, so only people I have friended can see my posts and photos. If they choose to let something beautiful offend them, they can kindly unfriend me and go fuck themselves. I moved out to BFE Minnesota to avoid drama. I don't plan to go nuts with the breastfeeding photos and post every single one I have. I took them for me. I don't even know if Little A will be interested in the photo book I plan to put together later. I won't be upset if she's not. She's probably the only baby I will get to have and I want to document our breastfeeding experience. I am super proud of both of us for making it 16 months. We had a lot of set backs and opposition to overcome the first few months, from her Dr of all people! I don't plan to stop until she wants to. BF was a little leery of me breastfeeding once Little A got teeth, but his general response to her being cranky now is to "give her a boob!" I find it hilarious!
I think that's about all I'm going to be able to write for now. Little A woke up from her nap a little while ago and doesn't really like breastfeeding on my lap while I type.
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