I breastfeed Little A. It's something I'm quite proud of. We've made it 17 months. This is pretty amazing considering most women who attempt to breastfeed in the US give up at six weeks. When I first started breastfeeding, I did the whole blanket or cover thing. I was still getting used to what I was doing and I was embarrassed to show my stomach. A blanket or a cover helps nicely with that. After a while, I became more comfortable and stopped using a cover or blanket all together. That may have had something to do with forgetting to pack one and having a hungry baby. I was not going to sit in the car by myself.
Last Thanksgiving, we celebrated at one of BF's cousins' apartment. She was newly out of rehab and wanted to show off how well she was doing with holding down a job and getting her own place. Little A wasn't the only baby there, but she was the only breastfed baby. I don't have nursing clothes. I don't have the money for them. I wore a shirt that made it easy to breastfeed Little A. Apparently, though I didn't find out about this until the end of December, this bothered some people. There were boys, you know, and they might ask questions. Other people were uncomfortable.
We celebrated Christmas at BF's parents' house and I breastfed Little A there with no problem. I feed on demand, so, when she wanted to breastfeed, I let her. I don't remember what I wore there. I didn't think it was that big a deal.
For New Years', we celebrated at the house of a different cousin. My BF has a lot of cousins. Little A was about six months old at this point. I was asked by the owner of the house if I still breastfed. I was very proud of making it to six months and I said that we did. He then informed me that if I hadn't brought a blanket with me, I would be given one, or I would need to go into another room by myself. At first, I thought he was messing around and I made a joke about him eating with a blanket on his head. He then proceeded to tell me that there were young boys (between 10 and 12) and that they didn't need to see what I was doing. He said it also made the adults uncomfortable to see my boobs. This from the same man who had sent out a text on Thanksgiving of a chick dressed like an Indian with boobs out for all to see! I was pissed, but we stayed.
BF's family all live an hour or more from where we do. By the end of the night, I was ready to leave and never go back, but we wouldn't have made it home in time to see the ball drop, so we stayed. At first, I went down stairs to feed Little A because no one was down there. Then everyone wanted to watch a movie and she was not happy with having a blanket over her head. I found a bedroom I could use, but I was PISSED! BF knew it and kept apologizing. He even offered, several times, to just drive home. I wanted Big A to be able to watch the ball drop and drink grape juice with the rest of the kids.
This year, we skipped the holiday celebrations that were held at that house. When I was asked by the wife of the house when they would get to see the girls again, I told her what had happened at New Years'. She then proceeded to tell me that I was making a big deal out of breastfeeding, that I wasn't the first person to ever breastfeed, and that I needed to cover up at family functions because other people were uncomfortable. I was told that I should pump and bring bottles and that keeping my girls from seeing their family wasn't fair to anyone. This was my response, sent via Facebook message.
I'm sorry this has turned into some ridiculous issue. I sent you a
message rather than posting a public reply to avoid making a "big deal"
out of this. I'm sorry you feel I wasn't being discreet at Thanksgiving
and that I was just letting my breasts hang out. I'm sorry you (and from
the sound of your message, several other family members) have an
over-sexualized concept of breasts. I'm sorry there are several family
members who aren't as open-minded about breastfeeding as my family is.
I realize I am not the first person to ever breastfeed and your
snarky comment [ You are not the first person to ever breastfeed
(Really)] does nothing to help this situation. There are ways to answer
questions from curious children, girls AND boys. If breastfeeding is
treated like something DIRTY and SHAMEFUL that must be hidden in a back
room or covered up, our society will continue to treat women who choose
to breastfeed as second class citizens. Children learn by watching
adults. Big A was curious when Little A first came home because she
didn't remember seeing breastfeeding when she lived in Oregon. Now
seeing Little A breastfeed is as natural to Big A as seeing anyone else
eat.
I DO want Little A to know her extended family. I enjoy family
gatherings and I look forward to them. When it comes to breastfeeding, I
AM using my best judgement. I will NOT put myself OR my children in an
uncomfortable and stressful situation in order to make everyone ELSE
happy. (Names were edited out)
About a month before Thanksgiving, I asked on Facebook if anyone knew where Thanksgiving was being held. I tagged BF and his mom in the post so everyone could see it. All I got back was that no one knew where it was and that was it. I waited a few weeks and then BF and I decided to have Thanksgiving at our house.
Early last week, I posted a link to an article about breastfeeding during the holidays and ways to survive less than enthusiastic relatives. I posted it because I can relate. Here is a link to the article. http://thismilkmatters.moonfruit.com/blog/4570873898 I also posted a comment with the link that said something along the lines of reactions like the ones mentioned in the article are why we stay home for most family gatherings.
MY PAGE BLEW UP! There are currently FORTY ONE comments under that post! I was told how great breastfeeding is, but that it needs to be done in private or with a cover. Breastfeeding was compared having sex in the living room in front of everyone. It was compared to porn. I was told I can't just "whip it out" in the main room where everyone else is. (I typically wear a tank top under a t-shirt. Up goes the t-shirt, down goes the tank top. There is no "whipping it out".) I was told I should announce to the room at large what I was planning to do so that people who are uncomfortable can leave. I made the comment about America being ass backward with regard to breastfeeding compared to other countries and was told I could leave if I didn't like America. I was told I don't respect family. When I asked if my baby and I deserved respect, there was, of course, no answer. A friend of mine jumped on to defend me and the posts went from barely civil to downright rude. The comment that hurt the most, though, came from BF's mom. I've breastfed at BF's parents' house on several occasions. I've never felt like I had to cover up or go into a different room. BF's dad seemed a little uncomfortable, but he either looked away or moved so that I wasn't in his direct line of sight. So, here I am assuming (ASS YOU ME!!) everything is fine. Apparently not. BF' s mom jumped on the "Breastfeeding is Disgusting" bandwagon with this lovely gem of a comment.
That's
sad because of you and your boobs the family can't see the kids. I don't think they are asking you to much to cover up when you are breast
feeding. Not everyone wants to see your boob.That's my opinion. I would like
to see my grand kids more at gatherings but I do not want to see your
boobs sorry.
Her comment hurt the most, because I thought she supported me. Or at least respected my choices about breastfeeding. I showed the comment to BF and he called her out on it via text message. She didn't apologize. She said that she never mentioned anything about it to me because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to see the girls.
After her comment, I removed all but three of BF's family members from my Facebook. My profile is set to private, so they no longer have access to posts or photos. I posted my only public post after I removed everyone, to let them know what I thought about their breastfeeding attitudes. I even left it open to comments in case they felt they had something to add. I woke up to this in my Facebook messages.
So u did take it personal Ur a liar!!! And now have a new enemy!!
This was sent by the person who compared breastfeeding to porn and to having sex in the living room. No, this person is not 12. This person is pretty close to my age. A grown ass DUDE! When I showed the message to BF, just to show him how ridiculous the whole situation had become, he took my phone and told the guy off. He sent back a message telling him to grow up and stop treating me like crap. When the cousin tried to say he'd been civil, BF told him to knock it off because he'd read all the comments on the post. By the way, that dude is now blocked.
So, all of this drama over a link to a post that I'm pretty sure no one even bothered to read. I have a very supportive BF that I am so grateful for. He's all for not attending family gatherings if his family is going to behave this way. That was not something I asked him to do. I told him I was totally fine with him taking Big A and going to any gathering he wanted. He said if they were going to act this way, they don't need to see any of us. I love him so much!
BF and I do plan to move back to Portland sometime in the next few years. The sad part to all of this is that most of his family won't see the girls before we do. Once we are in Portland, they won't see the girls at all because we won't have the money to fly back here and they won't bother to fly out there.
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